Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with
yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but
instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew. - Saint Francis de Sales
Off and on I think..... what did I do to deserve this kind of torment. How naive I was to have married such a monster and lived with him for so many years. Was I that wrapped up in work? Did I so successfully ignore the harsh reality that I survived it all this while and continued to do just that 'survive' instead of being 'alive'.
The wake up call to 'un-zombify' came in two hard knocks
(think this is what they mean by God shaking the earth under you). One was my retrenchment from an all absorbing job and the other was the increased sociopathic behaviour of the ex. There was an increasing obsession with 'discipline' and a corresponding suffering of the kids which my senses began to grow increasingly troubled with. Did one lead to the other or did my change of situation lead to the blunt awareness.
... this keeps on circling in my thoughts...
I have never thought of myself as a perfect mother, and being a working one perhaps that had been my crutch. I have never been in the position to not have to work, and so now and then I have these feelings of regret and wish I could go back in time to capture more memories with my kids.
The kids have more because of it on one hand but less of me in other ways. It is my loss.
But then now I am stronger for it too , and in my current situation I have to be grateful for how it had been. Because I know we can survive without him and that is one less insecurity I will face.
and so my internal arguments seem to face each other off.....
I believe that there must be a purpose for the kids, their being
brought into this world. [Else if I had been a different person and taken a different path,
they would not have come to be except perhaps one] God works in puzzling ways.
Am I making sense.. ...I believe the sum
of who I am now is the result of where I have been. And so I am more
able to take on and cope with what is happening now.
feelings of guilt and yet... a strong desire to move forward.....
It bugs me that I cannot carry all their burdens, I can try to anticipate to lighten it.
I pray for a little more perfection in the area of motherhood but most of all, I pray that my kids will come to understand it all when they are older and not judge me for the many things they probably will not recall or understand.
Is it because I am a mother that I demand more of myself or is it just me demanding more of me?
What sort of person would I have turned out to be were I not a mother?