Staying sane (random thoughts)

Is God always testing us, when do we graduate ?

One cannot be a counselor to one's own children. Our job is to love them unconditionally and get angry conditionally.

I find comfort in the psalms than some of  the usual prayers these days, they help me to let go, and still pray. "Show me the path I should walk' is what I have repeatedly asked for these past ten years and more.
The anger builds and ebbs and churns and then empties and it wavers with the children's moods. 

Lord, hear my prayer; in your faithfulness listen to my pleading; answer me in your justice.

Do not enter into judgment with your servant; before you no living being can be just.

The enemy has pursued me; they have crushed my life to the ground.

They have left me in darkness like those long dead.

My spirit is faint within me; my heart is dismayed.

I remember the days of old; I ponder all your deeds; the works of your hands I recall.

I stretch out my hands to you; I thirst for you like a parched land.

Hasten to answer me, Lord; for my spirit fails me.

Do not hide your face from me, lest I become like those descending to the pit.

At dawn let me hear of your kindness, for in you I trust.

Show me the path I should walk, for to you I entrust my life.

Rescue me, Lord, from my foes, for in you I hope.

Teach me to do your will, for you are my God.

May your kind spirit guide me on ground that is level.

For your name's sake, Lord, give me life; in your justice lead me out of distress.

In your kindness put an end to my foes; destroy all who attack me, for I am your servant.
- Psalm 143

The life we have is the path we choose

I found a couple of old diaries I had kept and realize my stint in the school of gullible idiocy began way back, stemmed mostly from the insecurities of a sheltered childhood.

There's nothing for it but to know and be glad that I grew up.

I am now getting away from the biggest evil of my life and soon that part will be over.

As I go through this stage, I learn that fear is never really gone, it visits now and again when you are most vulnerable. And what makes you vulnerable, one's children.

I am advised that the children are old enough, I should not worry.

So the question I pose, 'what is the choice to make', seems simple
- to be happy or to worry,
- to live in certainty or volatility


but is it?

Menace still at large ..

... still in the process.

27 Oct :
 Like the menacing mosquito that hovers, that’s how it felt for a few hours. I return home early today and the hall is deserted and the house is quiet. And I realise he is back.

The boys are in their room doing their own things along with their sister who is usually in the dining room studying.

What does he do, interrogates and questions them to get a feel for their loyalty. The boys responses are unsure or was it. Disappears back to where ever he came from.
He’s gathering points I think to show I am not a perfect mum.

My dad came to check on the kids as usual. He verbally attacks him. Why does he attack my father, why does he question his kindness and care for my kids? Is he jealous or is he afraid that the kids are doing fine without him.

I talked to my dad, he tells me don't worry. I ask if they argued, he says not by his definition, although my husband raised his voice. My husband it seems imagines that the world is conspiring against him. 

What is he afraid of?

He slapped the boys earlier for some excuse (not performing some ritual they are supposed to). What is wrong with him? Like a fix he has to get, the need to kick at someone, what?.

One visit for a few hours and my youngest is stressed again, my daughter is holding her breathe and my middle child, he's frowning, unsure of the innuendos.

Need to get advise.

I'm controlling myself.. I want to scream out loud .
Can I just echo here what my youngest son said - I hate him.