Scheming or caring?

Trying to ignore the rocks, but...

No way I'm not competing, but I think he(X) is trying to.

The ex has recently moved into my 'space' as in sitting down at the work table to involve himself in the boys homework of the day.
It's something he has never done before.

I told myself he can have at it. He does have some intelligence after all, let him exercise it and other skills.
The task for him would be to control his temper and reign in his patience. He cannot use his previous 'disciplinary' methods and must control his verbal abuse.
The long-wearing lectures are there, my sons are weary, naturally expected. It's upto him to show them if he is sincere and his intent on mending his way.

Old fears die hard, and the boys were tense, but it worked out for that day.  I can't help but be anxious. At the same time I'm looking at it as objectively as I can, .........

Fear of the unknown still lurks, unfortunately I am not be able to feel even 70% peace because I don't trust him and he has definitely earned that distrust and I'm pretty certain, he's still scheming while he can.

My youngest still fears his father's potential actions eventhough it's 'safe'.
Recently when his father began going through his school bag, he tells me he felt faint (like he was going to pass out).  I understood what happened (what memories ran through his very young mind) and here I thought he had overcome the worst of it.  My ex doesn't get how he has put 'fear' in their minds.

Tension is present as long as he(X) is around.  My boulder is being cut away, but it's still there.

When will it end....
.....until I need no longer see his(X) face.The clock is ticking but not fast enough....
Will he move on?

In my head, I think, a snake will always be a snake no matter how many times it sheds... we'll see.

Thoughts on 'suffering' ...getting pass the boulders.

Fellow sufferers, do we forget that we are not alone. I am reminded  after going through the blog sites I follow. We support each other with our words and can anyone deny that IT HELPS.

I have come to accept that life cannot be burden free, that's not the way life is meant to be. But while I accept, I still question, why this way and not another form of suffering. And I will probably still end up with this question even if  I ended up with a different set of problems.  We can't help it, we're not wired to like problems of any kind.

The fact is, it is hard to work through problems, because it exacts a hard toll on the mind and body. And we just want to get pass this boulder that sits in front of us and move on.
Our journey(path) is strewn with many little types of stones and rocks. Many we can skip over and kick out of the way and yet there will be one type that we insist on collecting, holding and adding like rolling clay til it gets bigger and bigger to become a boulder.

I think it's been said by many different teachers on Life, if there was no bad or sadness or emptiness how would we know what is or appreciate even  the good or the happy or the plenty. If there are no ups and downs, life would be dull and we would become complacent and living becomes like stagnant water.
We would not be exercising all parts of the brain as it was created to, and so those unused synapses(or neurons) would just die away and then what would happen? I doubt that adds to survival attributes of the human race.

We each have our own cross to bear and somehow knowing that I am not alone, helps me cope and think that since there must be balance in the world , then we are each doing our part and are not carry more than we should and therefore are easing off the weight from someone else somewhere.
Have you ever considered that ?
That the weight is spread. And like a 'passing the parcel' game, we each must take a turn at holding a burden until such time as it is passed on. Isn't that a hidden message in the way of beliefs, that there is a cycle and balance to life in all aspects, so in happiness and suffering.

So we are not assigned boulders according to our weight, height, temper and smarts, are we?  We choose them.
Some boulders can be prevented from becoming what they are, and some will need hacking with the help of friends to reduce them and some may disappear eventually with divine help or just using our mind to diminish its size.

God did not put us on this earth merely to suffer. It's part of life, and he gave us the tools within us and in others to smooth-en the path -  to be able to live life and find enjoyment too.
It's our choice.

Sunday Solitude: message for the weary soul...

A pertinent reminder indeed in the Gospel reading today, for me .... ...

'Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden , and I will give you rest . Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.'   
(Matthew 11: 28-30).