May 28, 2011
Here I was carrying my own basket of rocks, and I was thinking, would it help her to know she was not alone. Fate does make strange bedfellows!
I let her wail on and then attempted several times to get her to meet me. She was in two modes 'personal suffering' and ' got to get to work' and I could tell her mind was in chaos.
It's easy to stand outside and structure and organise and yet from within, we ourselves find it impossible to do. The objective self and subjective self both are aware and that is why I suppose we were never meant to be alone.
May 21, 2011
"The unconscious mind picks up body language even when we are not consciously aware that it may be threatening." (http://www.abuse-recovery-and-marriage-counseling.com/articles/abuse/yelling.html) - Dr. Debby Schwarz Hirschhorn, PhD.
And because we remember those reflexes long after ...our bodies react the same way from before when threat was imminent.
Because the X is ultra sweet and ultra rational, the kids are less afraid but
as I have learnt from my child, the fear is not totally erased. Our minds and bodies still remember. There is still that ‘take flight’ response in us.
Why do I allow myself to be bullied?
I have come so far and still, I allow him this power over me.
Feeling afraid and feeling defensive to his verbal attacks and accusations.
I know I must take hold of my thoughts.
Break out of it, be aware always, in my mind.
I have been taking little steps to fight back, to take back that 'space' that I have ‘given way’; to take control where I can to face up to him; to stand up to his antics
and show him that I am no longer afraid of him; to assert but not in the usual communication form but by bringing myself forward visibly and audibly. And I can tell he is not happy (more and more, he raves and rants with either his lawyer or some person on the mobile, call me all sorts of names). But he maintains absolutely calm with the kids.
Logically I know it, but it’s not the same as having fully accepted or internalized the belief. But currently, I still am learning that he has no power over me. He uses accusations, and demands and the children to intimidate- interferes to disrupt(their peace) to exercise his power. It still affects me and my first response is ‘flight’ still. So I am dealing with it and this process (no matter how much I hate it and wish for it to be over)which started a while back, seems to be a necessary part of my journey.
May 18, 2011
Not that he will get away I am told, but I am so very bugged by it. It's hard 'acting' like a cold bitch much less being one. He is attempting to intimidate and bully me by his pathetic accusations, mandates on how the household should run or else etc, interruptions into the children's habits and insinuating himself back into the house while the 'ancillaries' are being settled. Now I know what they mean by heart palpitations.
I have attempted my own healing at facing him down so to speak. The many things we/I used to do when he was home, we now do the opposite to show we are not afraid of him nor are we intimidated by him. The simple things like grab the remote, take charge of the TV, sit on his favourite chair, speak loudly ...make plans and book the kids for outings before he does.
I've come through some serious realizations over the last months as to how I've been used and fooled big time for the past 10 years. Has my X been plotting since my last child was born? I keep wondering.
And yet by the grace of God, I have kept lots of old documents(here I thought I was not really a horder) that has helped in the facts of my case, paper trails have supported my 'long marriage' arguments to counter the trash my X has come up with to try and rip me off literally and get out of his responsibilities. He attempts to withhold the kids' passports for all kinds of stupid reasons. There should be a law for this interim harassment... where is it ?
He is ultra 'sweet' with the kids, but they know it's a sham (gives me some satisfaction that they do, I know that's small of me.. but all's fair in love and war..). And it takes its toll on them too, they keep asking when when will it be over. In the house he makes them nervous but when they are out in public, they worry less.
He has insinuated himself back into the household to help his arguments for care and control of the kids and of course he cannot undo history can he? The passport will tell along with other tell tale signs. I think somewhere along the way his planned strategy has gone awry some. He makes a big show with his Hindu prayers, bells and humms, loud mantra music from the stereo.....every morning.
It's worse than a chess game, at least you know the rules and there is little emotion, here there's a slimy player who's creating his own moves and playing on our emotions which are draining. Perhaps I should set the IRAS on him, aren't they used to slippery snakes?
The law can't do much for me until the courts definitively decide on the ancillaries, another month or two away. I can scream and rave if I want, I can call the cops too if I feel threatened but as long as the house matter is not settled, he can still come and go as he pleases eventhough we are officially divorced.
Affidavits are strange phenomenons, how much of the 'you say this' and 'I say that' work, facts surely speak up, but how much can you dredge when it's a history of more than 10 years and that's where my X is coming from. The amazing spins he puts on things; he would be a bad fiction writer. The more I read his stuff, the more I think, he doesn't sound normal and sounds quite narcissistic and I hope the judge gets it. If my X could say he gave birth to the three kids, he would.
I still have faith, and pray and many a times especially recently in my attempts to fight anger and frustration, I think on the flight from Egypt when the God of Mosses declared his wrath on the Egyptians and I think 'fight for me dear God, .. still waiting for that peace' .
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