Nine months down the road.... and counting.

It has been nine months since this legal process was started.

But it has been on hindsight, more than 6 years that we have been separated for. I stuck with it to make it work based on HOPE and CHANGE and a whole heap of forgiveness on top of forgiveness.

I've learnt a lot about myself from the perspective of my lawyer who essentially knows everything I have endured, allowed myself to and survived by now.

I prayed for relief and this is the path I  have been led through and will soon see the light at the end. 

I am stronger,  relieved yet not totally.  The children are my foremost concern and yet I  am advised constantly to be happy already and remember the children have a choice. While the children will be in my care, they will still have to endure time with him as is his entitlement. They are less afraid when they are outside in public with him than when they are in the home with him.
Tension still exists because they are uncertain if his supposed reformation is pretense or true from henceforth. How truly relaxed are they, in his presence now. Is it genuine or are they pretending too

Intimidated in my own house
It's like I have few rights of my own and do not have total control over my life, having to constantly look over my shoulders. I mentioned this earlier that I can't chase him out of the house until ancillaries are settled.  And so he has purposely ensconced himself in the house in the last few months after disappearing for most of last couple of years.

To me it's like having a snake in the house. He's been taking pictures of rundown furniture and worn items. To what end? My lawyer says don't bother. But I am bothered. I plan to move out, why spend unnecessarily?  He has taken sudden intensive interest in the studies of the kids.  In his crooked mind, I believe he plans to use them to show that I am not looking after the house properly, that he can do a better job.

I need to apply assertiveness training here for myself.

Processing
I have let my lawyer focus on the material and factual arguments that in her experience is what the judge will look at foremost.   It's the facts that matter and influence.

However I am unsure still. What does a judge look for, how do they look at all this 'I say' and 'you say' stuff.  How much gets taken into account of the character that we each portray.

The X has focused on the material and the physical, made lots of claims without proof.  My concern has been on the emotional and psychological well-being of the kids. I have been researching on similar situations and outcomes for impact and reactions but not much exists as my circumstance arising from of my X's personality (narcissistic and abusive) seems unique.

I have yet to come across anyone with an experience quite like mine, I'm sure there are, and I hope they not only survived but came out better for it.

Helen Plus Three: What really matters in one's youth ?

Helen Plus Three: What really matters in one's youth ?: "When you are in your 40s and 50s and you think back to your younger days, what 's really important, what is it that matters the most ....."


It's these thought that guide me when it comes to the kids...

To each his own .. troubles?

A few months ago, a friend of mine, or I would say an old acquaintance called me to talk and poured out her troubles of a cheating husband and meddling mistress. The first thing she said to me was she was so ashamed at being taken for a fool and for being so trusting. While I attempted to talk to her and clear her own understanding of why she burdened herself that way, she just could not hear me.

Here I was carrying my own basket of rocks, and I was thinking, would it help her to know she was not alone. Fate does make strange bedfellows!

I let her wail on and then attempted several times to get her to meet me. She was in two modes 'personal suffering' and ' got to get to work' and I could tell her mind was in chaos.

It's easy to stand outside and structure and organise and yet from within,  we ourselves find it impossible to do.  The objective self and subjective self both are aware and that is why I suppose we were never meant to be alone.