Forgive & Forget; a child's right to anger?

Good age-old wisdom says - Forgive and Forget. The consequence is release, relief and peace.

Is it wrong if I can't forget even though I forgive.
Is it wrong if I can't forgive but forget mostly and just once in a while I remember.
Sometimes we preach what we ourselves find hard to practise. We're not saints, takes a while but we probably are able to in the long run - forgive but not really forget.

Children do not have this concept of forgive and forget. They just forget mostly and the wrong-doer rarely remembers the wrong to bother his conscience. And if they do suffer from anothers' actions, it's not about forgiving but just moving on whether they get an apology or not. Their experiences with wrong and right are (supposedly mostly) simpler.

While this piece of wisdom is meant to help unload baggage, we (adults) use it in another way too, though we may not realise it. To us, this right to withhold forgiveness is like our special power; it somehow gives us a vindictive hold over the person who has hurt us (it'll be on his conscience); it acts as a sort of coping mechanism for our anger in the short run (it helps us control the need to lash out). We rationalise it. In the long run it becomes baggage.

But what of a child - who is not capable of this rationale nor grasp the concepts of forgiveness or conscience or guilt, what does he do when he is so troubled by someone and not able to forget or move on? Either lash out at the one who hurt them or at the ones around them.
It's quite difficult to explain to them about forgiveness - seems incomprehensible, illogical. So how do we help them cope? Adults can handle some baggage, but I don't think a child should have any. If they cannot confront the wrong-doer, the only solution seems to be let them lash out and then address the actions or comments as they unfold.

My earlier post Emotions on the subject was about similar questions, I think the question buzzing in my head is, how to teach a child not to hate (even if he's justified).

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Bread in Vogue

Lately I seem to be reading about Bread in all forms among the blogs and emails - different grains, different gourmet recipes and the biblical type. Two days ago someone in the office said they had bought a machine and brought samples of their creation - raisin and walnut bread...

Is it bread season?

...amazing job ladies, the work of your own hands..

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Family - the Most Beautiful Tree you can have but the Hardest Seed to Grow.

There’s a concern that there are not enough marriages and not enough children being produced. The government produced commercials for the awareness of family (touching on the filial issue, companionship). Are the people that produced the campaign shining examples, how many children do they have ?.
You have to walk the talk on this topic, to be able to genuinely communicate this.
Will incentives produce the right fruit? What do the campaigns do? It is not a new concept, it‘s not a travel destination – it s a lifetime commitment..

There’s lots of talk of work-life balance (plus family) but is there action? Who is expected to act? The mother, the father, the gov’t or the employer? 10 days leave, exams, CA. well, there’s only 24 hours in a day, and even if we don’t need sleep, the kids need at least 10 hours.. Talk is cheap, living is costly (unless you’re willing to forgo some of the ‘living’ .. now there’s the irony ). Quality ? Let’s not go there.

There’s much more to ‘living’ today than yesterday and that is likely the main issue.
Cost of living today is not equal to yesteryears.
Young people want to live well and enjoy life. What does having a family entail giving up ? – A lot. Teaching them not be selfish is one thing, but teaching selflessness, that’s another thing that today’s distracting world makes more difficult.

Is there quality family time to savour today? The perceived future of young persons will mirror their past and will be summed up in order of proportion as labour, cost, entertainment/leisure and a small portion to whatever- is- family.
Examples, experiences and expectations of modern society and family provide other hindrances to both young men and women alike.
{The father owns the ‘family’ car, his time is more his own; a mother does not seem to have that ‘luxury’. Dad works so hard, doesn’t get to enjoy much?] It doesn’t help to hear their parents explain limitations due to financial obligations and sacrifices.

You can tell by rising teenage and unwanted pregnancies; stories of family basics(issue of filial piety) gone wrong that family commitment even for todays’ 2nd generation parent is a challenge. Of course, there is the root of evils - money, be it cause or consequence.
You could turn it into a religious or moral issue here – purpose of life, vocation , higher calling etc.
We know it’s tough, are they capable of what’s required. It’s not about planning and plotting.

Wanting a family involves selflessness, it is about desire for constant companionship, a home and a desire for children. It’s about feeling whole. How do you force warmth or love?
Possibly most can understand this, but then having a family is a big question of readiness.

Sure, you can help the process of meeting for those who desire that path in life. But pushing for kids is an entirely different matter.

The ideal campaign ground is within the family of today.
So aptly put by the Minister – you ‘can’t legislate love’.

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Change - When will it happen?

I'm tired of waiting, tired of the wariness
I'm tired of hoping. I'm tired for the kids.
Just so tired.
Like a virus it hovers in the air, around us, just buzzing.
So immature, he will not change.
So many things to undo, to improve,
to remedy and heal, to repair.
I don't know the speed of progress or the destination.
Will it be better or worse?
Is this the right path? Will it help?
Am I too late? Is it the right time?
Is this 'chance' a waste of time?
When can I begin?

I'm just stressed and rambling.

Don't doubt. Be strong. Stay the course

I Finally Learnt To Swim

Wanting to swim was one of the few things I had dreamt about being able to do for a long, long time. I wasn't lucky enough to learn while growing up. I had attempted to learn with a friend of mine like 20 years back but both of us did not manage to learn and sort of gave up and thought probably impossible...
As a working mom, I tend to prioritize time to everything and everyone else before my wants or needs and that too provides an excuse to procrastinate.

An opportunity came again with a bigger group about 9 yrs ago (someone had introduced a swimming instructor), but I was expecting my third child then, so I had an excuse not to. There were about 6 colleagues who undertook lessons. What amazed me soon after, was that within like 6-7 lessons they were all able to swim and even tread water.
I thought to myself I could have been one of them. I was green with envy and regret.

But then a 3rd opportunity presented itself (the charm as they say), well I had more excuses - 3 kids, less time even. I remembered the earlier bunch. I decided if the earlier lot could it, I could do it too - just make the effort (it’s just 1 night a week for a few weeks, do it for myself).

Finally about 7 years ago, I learnt to swim (really swim!) and tread water. That was a major feat for me.

I need to remind myself constantly that time moves forward, do what you can today, don’t procrastinate. You will be glad for it when tomorrow comes.

I thank God too, the opportunity came looking for me, cos I would not have gone looking for it. Yes, I could have learnt sooner.

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Education System

Some of you know or may have heard about our education system. Requires lots of discipline and is stressful on both parents and child. And this is compounded by the ‘kiasu’ syndrome – everyone sends their kids for additional tuition (those who can’t afford it send them to the various community support groups) .

Locals with kids have migrated because of it, but there are foreigners sending their kids here for it. When I speak to my cousins in Australia, schooling seems like such a breeze for the kids.

There are pros and cons to the system. Leaders at the top are attempting to change it to suit a changing world and supposedly reduce the stress. But I’m not sure if it’s the changing world they should be adapting to or the changing child who is still local. Less rote more creativity, I think that’s the current aim.

Bear in mind that while local parenting styles have changed, to what degree is it widespread, to what degree has it evolved? There is an openness and exchange; kids are exposed to more worldly entertainment and information. But our society mix is pretty diverse. Yes there is a large middle class. Soon there will be a large emigrant class too. Is the child prepared for the new style in school or is it imposed on them because it is assumed they have been exposed to think differently in the home?

The current system appears to be an attempt to have their cake and eat it. The old system had its merits, apparent through some international competitions. It's still a pressure cooker.
There appears to be more information in the syllabus and along with that learning, the child must be able to think application. Previous system adhered to steps, but the current system appears to skip rudiment steps (specific rudiment teaching is missing or has that been classified as rote) and mesh them into the next step (application). Problem sums are so enhanced in the delivery that even adults need to read it more than once. Is it hurried along to meet the additional requirements of the syllabus within the school year. Add to that, let’s not forget between institutions too, there is the ranking system and within schools there is performance pressure. Who’s stressed – everybody.

I started out wanting to talk about keeping my patience while helping my son with his maths homework and in the end I deviated. The reason for holding on to my patience is because the teaching method had not segregated the basic properties(angles on parallel lines) for my son, to learn first and understand. Instead he had gone directly into problem solving and those ‘properties’ are submerged and not apparent to him. I kept asking what are the properties he learnt and he looked at me as if I spoke an alien lingo. This is only one example where basics seem to have been skipped and merged into step 2.
I‘m sure you local parents have similar horror stories about problem sums, but I shall not get into it further.

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