To Be (Insane) or Not to Be (Sane)

A while back, I decided I would read one of Paulo Coelho's books. Call me prejudiced, but I have a preference for reading books by women rather than men. It's more about the style and thought processes. There is a certain directness in men's writing which is fine depending on the type of novel. For some stories I like to linger and for some I can't wait to know how it ends.

I also must tell you, I hate sad endings but for some strange reason I picked 'Veronika Decides To Die'. The story takes place in Slovenia, did you know it used to be Yugoslavia?

I found it extremely thought-provoking, not sad. It's a very good read, unique in the telling and how it unfolds. It's a little contrary, but there is much about human nature I can identify with.
For those of you who, like me, prefer happy endings, you'll be glad to hear she didn't die in the end.

It's about Veronika, a young girl who wanted to die, she attempted it but failed. She then finds herself in a mental asylum, and again waits to die because that's how she has been diagnosed.
What's intriguing is her journey of discovery; discoveries about herself, her inner experience in the asylum, with other inmates, about the subject of sanity and insanity. While in the asylum she sets herself free and lets go of her inhibitions because as she says " I'm crazy, I'm allowed to do this. I can hate, I can pound away at the piano. Since when have mental patients known how to play notes in the right order?'

Many instances in the story allude to the fact that we would like to behave in some manner that would be considered insane but because of society's expectations we are not free to do so. For Veronika 'she expended most of her energy in trying to behave in accordance with the image she had created for herself'.'

Among the characters, a number of inmates were not-truly-insane, but they were there because 'they looked for the easiest way out; a separate reality'; and remained there for different reasons of security, normalcy and freedom . They are rational enough to say to the nurses " This is a mental hospital. No one is obliged to behave the way you do'. Because of Veronika, the not-truly-insane start to re look at their lives and now think that it is time leave the asylum. One of them, who is released feels she will be better off now in the outside world because she has the license to speak freely, since people know she was in the asylum previously.

As for Veronika, having made discoveries and experiences for herself, she purged her baggage. But, because she believed she only had a few days, Veronika now wished to live.

I have been thinking about it, to pick another of Paulo's books, I hope it will be just as appealing.

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It must be Wonderful

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Need to have, Nice to have, Must have

Ever notice how you start off with the basic handphone for your kids because you need them to stay in touch with you. Then it becomes, ‘mum, all my friends can play music on their phones’, so then you ‘upgrade’ when the contract is up(refuse to give in sooner) so they can be on par with ‘all’ their friends.
Our ‘nice to have’ is their ‘must have’. I realize of course there’s a fair amount of exaggeration there when ‘all’ their friends and ‘everyone’ has this or that.

We are not much different (although more controlled) but perhaps for different reasons.
My mobile phone is sufficient I told myself, calls and camera feature was all I needed. Don’t waste money upgrading.
Then it began, ..the latest Nokia series with office functions and web browsing, I said no, don’t need that. – not so compact, keyboard so tiny,
Then my colleagues got it, and ‘showed’ me how wonderful it is. Suddenly I’m thinking, maybe I should take advantage(of the discounts) and upgrade my phone. Yes.. I could put Excel sheets on it, perhaps I could do away with my PDA and do all in one. We start to look for reasons and manufacture more to do the deed (! the evil laugh should sound here).

We all have diversions, routines, little hobbies but then life should be about constant movement and learning so that we continue to live, not just exist.
It’s not about dissatisfaction or keeping up with your neighbour.
Once in a while, we need it - a new ‘event’. The new tech stuff keeps us moving, that new earring gives us anticipation, new recipes keeps us interested - the novelty keeps us going. It doesn’t always have to cost money. We can’t all afford to take regular vacations.

Thank heaven for the little things we can. Because not everyone is lucky to have choices.

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My Teenager

Little by little, I watch her inch out of the circle. Their friends and their outings grow more appealing than together time with the younger siblings.
But of course if it's shopping, there's nothing like time with mom if that teenager is a girl.
What generation gap, it' s the wallet gap lah!!

You want them to be independent yet, want to protect them forever, and keep them at your side. You can only hope that the foundation's sturdy, the bridge holds.. that that communication connection you've built, will be constant despite all else. Being mom means being their always no matter what, hope she will trust with all things. She's seen more and heard more than I did at this age, is she wiser? That's hard to say, because from all that exposure, there is much information and more expression to discern and sort.

Fortunately and unfortunately, we mothers of the young generation today are a different breed from our own mothers, because of our evolved lives, we are somehow still 'younger at heart', involved in both the complex webs of our own lives and children's. Events and interests overlap in many areas so much so that non-interaction is quite impossible; constrained only by the time we are at work and they in school. We help them with maths, they teach us Xbox.

Study is always tough work..but she is strong and manages to push herself along.
She can be protective of her brothers but she is still capable of getting into a cat and dog fight with the youngest fellow.

I'm not in a hurry for her to 'grow up' yet but it seems like girls just do that faster anyhow.

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...don't like this...

Gaia(Journeyofasinglemum) wrote this question in her post 'How do I not disappoint?'
Ever since I read it, I've been thinking about it(like a bee flitting in and out) - as in have I disappointed my children?

I'm thinking do the kids understand the concept? Perhaps not the younger one.
What do they expect of me ?
Do I want to pose the question or ferret it out of from daily dealings ?
Would I want to hear the answer?

I suppose like all things we should be aware of to improve their lives. It might not improve mine!

But do I want to know?

Not today.



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Alone

...we have to let go sometime and sometimes we just cannot be beside them...


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Inner Struggles

I walked once with shoulders down
My head up in the haze.
My thoughts not on home
but on work, in hollow cheer.
Burdened yet unfazed
I hid there,
it was easier.

I looked at my children.
I saw.
The pain,
it started to seep in.
They too hid
in school and at home.
I prayed for the cure,
that pain would go away.
How much more to endure?

The stress,
instead it grew, more not less,
desperation and despair.
When would change come?
Pain then anger.
Anger to energy, it moved me.
Why did I linger?

The silence from within,
overflowed.
My head felt, my heart heard,
all that was hidden.
Why did we abide?
Hope, compassion…
don’t be foolish, think of them,
put it aside.

I will be brave,
I will not fear,
Grant me strength
to persevere.

(HA –June 2009)




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