Staying afloat...

Still here…been busy and tied up with the children - emotional and psychological, putting out the fires started by my ‘unofficial’ ex.
The ‘battle’ continues and he is not happy at the way it seems to be going.
Until it is over, he’ll continue playing mind games, leading the kids into the worry zone and it’s screwing with their peace of mind.
Reassurances are just not enough.

School is keeping them busy and me too.
Sorry too, I have not been able to make my blog rounds. I miss that.

I can’t relax until it is resolved.

I’m not dealing with the change of status in the way I expected to. No matter how rational I want to be, tradition and stereotypical thoughts still invade.

The reality of the life after will be much, much better and yet it’s the impact on the people around me that keeps coming around to me.
My folks are supportive but what do they really think. I feel I have disappointed them by failing in this. I have been consoled by the fact that while I have the many valid reasons to opt out I did not do so and instead stuck it out. Nobody expects me to play the matyr.

Still inspite of the support, I can’t help feeling that I have broken sacred traditions.
I have good friends who want to twack me on the head for my ‘silliness’ and remind me of what is important.
I am grateful for them…
…..and Sunday’s service reminded me again that God loves me too.

Wading through rough waters ..........

I'm glad the old year is gone. We caught some great fireworks last night, that was a small consolation to make up for the lack of a family gathering to spend the eve with. We had our own little party, chips, marshmallows and wine for the toast.
 
How do we shake thoughts we don't want to have ? Temptation thrives on the weaknesses that we have and adds fuel to these thoughts and they just persist. Lately old bad memories of the earlier years have been invading my thoughts and they are sadly (and ironically) triggered by happy recall of memories among the family members. Why can't I get over them ?

I keep reminding myself, no one owes us a living, it's up to us to live our lives and make what is needed of it.
Yet because of the season, probably because I keep dwelling on what is to come and what is yet to be settled, I feel  a little hollow and alone.

I'm trying to ignore it and put it aside; to keep a positive face for the kids. It is tiring. Envy and self-pity seem to be rearing their heads and I feel like withdrawing from happy company. I am very conscious of them but the thoughts seem to be digging their heels in deeper. I pray and perhaps it is not enough. Daily tasks take their toll and I am feeling drained.  Keeping busy is the solution, but that takes energy too.

Kids:
My daughter has been acting up lately - a teenager I expected to have the least issues with.  It's an old argument 'we can't always have what we want' . She has much more than most and yet it's not enough. Why because she forgets everything else that she has when focusing on the something that she wants and cannot get. Why do they always dwell on what they have not rather than what they have. 
She forgets there will be more expenses to come when she moves on to the next stage of higher learning.
I keep thinking, she is lucky, I am not my mother. But I will not over-compensate either.

The two boys well they are their usual selves.  It's like they take turns (I should be grateful) to act up.

Count your blessings.

Family

Need a Break!

Half a family, that’s what it feels like.

If I had to give a point of view, I would discourage mixed marriages (religion wise) for this as one reason. My ex is not a Catholic.

This season, as I made my rounds with immediate family, what I realized is missing and have always missed is that extended family fellowship which my brother and sister enjoy with their in laws who are all Catholics. This Christmas it seemed to have hit me hardest probably because of the circumstances. We are like half a family.

It’s not just religion, but the fact is the in laws have been missing from the picture since the beginning of time. This is due to the nature of the relationship already existing prior to my entrance onto that different planet of my ex’s existence. Which goes to show you, when one is young the sign posts of life can glare you in the face and yet they are invisible.

It should not matter, but sometimes it feels too quiet and I crave that noise of family around me. Silence leaves a lot of room for pondering and wondering and I prefer to avoid that these days.

I’m not sure why I feel depressed, is it hormones or is it that the family’s not around for the New Year’s eve countdown, they have in-laws to be busy with, it’s just me and the kids. And the kids enjoy their cousins who will be busy elsewhere.
And I 'm really thinking, 'how inconsiderate of them, they forgot us, forgot me'... ..ok.. enough of that already move on.  Blame it on circumstances, I'm moody..... ....

think positive..... I’m dragging the kids out of the house tonight, there’s fireworks somewhere at some street party, we’ll go catch that at least, create our own fun (see if I remember how to dance ..) and have our own New Year’s celebration.

A Happy 2011 to all, God grant us peace and his gentle love in the New year.