The Smell of Rain

Last Monday, we decided we were going to walk the perimeter of the estate. But alas, that little grey cloud that did not look at all threatening, decided we should not take that walk.
Half way up the road, the drops started, my kids and I, we looked at each other and sighed.
They were on wheels so they rushed back. I was on foot but I decided not to rush.
What's a little wet, most of all I wanted to smell the rain.
From my earliest years, this is one of the moments I  replay in my head, I have always enjoyed the smell of rain.  I look up into the endless sky like I did since the land before time, but still 'I cannot see where the rain starts from'.

Sometimes before it reaches us, I can get the scent of it and look forward to its' arrival.
It brings to mind memories of playing carefree in the garden, the field, of netball days, watching the rain from my childhood home window, images of wet green leaves fluttering from the drops.
I can't really pinpoint what it does for my senses - the clean air or the cleaning process, the grey sky,  the torrential sound and then the stillness after the rain.
Perhaps it's the nostalgia that connects it; after all rain has been a constant throughout my life.

Like this: ....God Is

Good and evil.........


http://groups.google.com/group/mothers-always

Old socks, books and me

My friend calls me ‘wacky’, in an affectionate sort of way I think (cringe).
Why because my mind works in strange ways, she’s referring to my post Self Conflict & Mortality.
It’s not like I see dead people right ? It must be all that reading I keep doing, that is stored somewhere in my mind and throws up bits from time to time for me to chomp on. But this is me and I am comfortable exploring it.

I have always been a quiet, thinking sort of person. And yet I married a total opposite who is loud and crass. Well they say love is blind and your brain is dead too for the duration. Ah, but to have a child, nothing compares to that experience and nothing changes you more. ahh but...I digress.

Old habits die hard, I don’t stay grounded by the kids all the time.
Perhaps that is my mind’s coping mechanism to get away from the everyday problem that won’t go away today. We all have ‘old socks’ that we hang on to comfortably, mine is books, escape into fantasy or into non-fictional preponderance.
Just give me a (good)book and I’d be oblivious if the world fell apart around me, that’s why I only read when I’m not with the kids and often overshoot my station on my way to work.
Everyone has a comfort zone, what's yours?

A Wednesday Awakening

It's been a little heavy going, it's time to retreat with a brief interlude..
I wrote the words to this song a few years ago in my note book at a time when it held a special message for me. There was a time when I thought appearances was primary but I've learnt that it is of no importance or use; just be me.  Life's like that,  we don't always have to like it, and we can be honest about it.
It is an old song (reminiscent of ancient tones) with an ever-relevant simple message (Return To Innocence -by Enigma)

That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence
Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion
Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion
Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence
That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence
Don't care what people say
Follow just your own way Follow just your own way
Don't give up, don't give up
To return, to return to innocence.
If you want then laugh
If you must then cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny.

Self-conflict & Mortality

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”
I am currently reading M Scott Peck's book 'Denial of the Soul'. Have almost completed Part 1 and impatient to get to Part 2 which is on the spiritual aspects of the subject. The book addresses Euthanasia and Mortality, through medical and spiritual perspectives of individuals.
Apart from discovering more on the mind, the other reason why I picked this book up, is to discover if it is wrong or right to say that I don't want to live that long a life just upto 68 and not 90.. would suffice. I don't think the book will deliver an answer, only God can, but it will give me food for thought. Yes I know it sounds like a strange thing to think about but haven't you ever wondered about it. This topic actually comes up in discussion with my insurance agent who constantly advises me to save more for my future.


Part 1 attempts to uncover definitions, reasons and causes on why we are conflicted, is it right to give up, when we should(alternatively to pull the plug).. from medical and psychiatric points of view.
For most of us, we are able to deal with conflicts and overcome them. Depression is a bi-product if we are not able to solve conflicts. So depression is normal I 'm happy to discover. And depression (Peck describes it like we are in a cage trapped) is apparently useful to us as it helps us grow.
It is interesting to know that conflicts which are inherent in the human condition, are considered psychological pain. These are the simple everyday issues, M S Peck describes these ranging from husband/ wife difficulties, not enough money, job stress, are children  a drag to competitive existence. As long as the world order is not in sync with us (does not conform according to our thinking), we are in conflict. ....  (To continue click on Read more below)

Do Today

If I could be born again, I'd be a bee.

I get to flit between all types of flowers with glee.
What hues and fragrances would colour my view,
I'm assuming, they enjoy it they way we do.


But life's not like that, so we constantly sneer.
A bees' life is so mundane, I hear.
Work so hard, carry the nectar, so keen,
but who gets the credit, but the Queen.


We strive for things and mourn.
never satisfied, for tomorrow we dream,
while time and tide moves on.
Today was the tomorrow, so it seems
Tomorrow will be today, yesterday is no more.
Make today count, and tomorrow will show
the life you want it to be.


(HA - 2009)

Sunday Solitude

If I could chart my moods according to my posts, it would probably read like a roller coaster.
My fears are mostly centred around my kids, for my kids, that life will get better.
My thoughts wander between the mother and the person that I am,
struggling to keep the light on instead of veering into darkness.
Dear God, I wait for you to show me if this is the course to take, a sign.
It's like we have started down a different road but where and when does it end?
Speak louder please, in case I should  miss hearing you, for there's too much noise around me.
Tug my hand harder, for there's so much distraction within.
Help me keep faith, and a clear head, help us find peace, pray for us dear Mother.
St Jude please continue to carry our words and hope Angels always keep near.