Thoughts ..guilt or failure

I have always attached strings to my father’s love. And know that I should not. I do not want to grieve him, and yet I feel I have.

I go about my business and my children’s, there is no story to pour out that has not come out in bits and parts over the past 2 years. It is done for me so I don’t talk about it.
How do I say ‘I don’t want you to worry’ and not get him more worried.

I am reminded, I have made him proud in many ways,
I know he does not fault me in this
and yet
still.

There will always be a part of my brain that remembers my mother's old-fashion thoughts, and that is a problem source. It's there but it doesn't dominate, just rears it's head from time to time.

I had done what I could on my own, I could not lean, I did not want to. That was for me.  Eventually I would have to stand on my own.
I held on for as long as it took.

I am relieved and sad.
 

Taking charge, feeling wobbly.

In my head, my plans are being laid but of course nothing really moves until it’s all settled. I’m planning close to the base line so it won’t go south so much as be an improvement.

I am a little afraid (feel it inside), not of the process or the outcome but his response. It’ll never be over for me til this is over. It is irrational I know, but I suppose you can't get rid of something that’s grown and festered for more than 12 years that quickly – fear of negative reaction, response and uncertainty.

Was it subtle advise or divine guidance, but I'm not taking the easy route just because I should, which means giving in on some fronts. This is probably the only time I am going to be able put up any kind of fight, just for the satisfaction of it.  Family court doesn’t count because as far as I am concerned he got away with it.

I am having my say, saying my peace because he doesn’t deserve an iota of positive consideration from me which is what it will be if I take the path of least resistance. I did it once for the kids, I can do it again for me - face the fear.

I may or may not achieve all of it but at least I’ll know I didn’t just give in AGAIN.

Most traveled road

...  from the last verse of Robert Frost's poem....
'The Road less taken. '..

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference. 

but when I look back, it is the road most traveled that I took and landed up here..