Inner Thoughts: We Don't but We Do

We Don't but we Do
Jodi Picoult wrote this in her book the Tenth circle
'Vengeance was a funny thing, You wanted satisfaction of knowing it had occurred but you never wanted to actually hear the word out loud, because then you'd have to admit to yourself that you'd wanted proof, and that somehow made you baser, less civilized.'
I think this is so true.


From a Distance by Bette Midler (another of my favourites).

Unwind or whine (both also can)

My friend tried to drag me out for drinks after late work yesterday.. I said no.
Then she said to me ' you have to live insanely to live' . ' it's good to let your hair down sometimes ' . What the hell (pardon my Spanish) does that mean.. take off my jacket and do the pole dance on the bar top or what? ..yeah right! get foxed, I think is what she meant.
I knew she was piqued by other things, so I gave in and went for A drink and let loose my ears(but no pole dance).

I understand the need to unwind, I know how to let my hair down (..maybe not all the way.. ..do I sound defensive).
But I think we each have different solutions for that. But my way is not her way. .. it's more like eating a whole tub of ice-cream while watching Brad Pitt in Troy :)

Work of Your Hands

I never thought myself much of an artist or crafter but I can safely say it is possible and not that difficult to hand make stuff once you find your own niche.
I got into creating crystal bracelets just when I was carrying my third child. I had a super-stressful job and I needed to do something to de-stress. I dislike sewing, I always thought I would never have the patience to complete time-taking tasks like stitching.. sometimes I think I wasn't born to be domestic.


Anyway, I started with crystal craft - I learnt to make a bracelet with crystals (Swarovsky kind- see pix). I recall a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment when I completed my first piece. It was my creation. I moved on to other simple jewellery designs but still had a problem with the more complicated ones, but I was happy enough with what I was able to nicely turn out on my own.

I then turned to card making and for a few years now, I have had no need to buy a greeting card or a Christmas card. There is no feeling quite like offering someone a unique creation of your own making.

For those who bake I think you know what I mean.

It is one of the few ways I de-stress, and it is a calming exercise. Breathe, enjoy, and just focus on creating something with your mind and your hands.

http://groups.google.com/group/mothers-always

Forgive & Forget; a child's right to anger?

Good age-old wisdom says - Forgive and Forget. The consequence is release, relief and peace.

Is it wrong if I can't forget even though I forgive.
Is it wrong if I can't forgive but forget mostly and just once in a while I remember.
Sometimes we preach what we ourselves find hard to practise. We're not saints, takes a while but we probably are able to in the long run - forgive but not really forget.

Children do not have this concept of forgive and forget. They just forget mostly and the wrong-doer rarely remembers the wrong to bother his conscience. And if they do suffer from anothers' actions, it's not about forgiving but just moving on whether they get an apology or not. Their experiences with wrong and right are (supposedly mostly) simpler.

While this piece of wisdom is meant to help unload baggage, we (adults) use it in another way too, though we may not realise it. To us, this right to withhold forgiveness is like our special power; it somehow gives us a vindictive hold over the person who has hurt us (it'll be on his conscience); it acts as a sort of coping mechanism for our anger in the short run (it helps us control the need to lash out). We rationalise it. In the long run it becomes baggage.

But what of a child - who is not capable of this rationale nor grasp the concepts of forgiveness or conscience or guilt, what does he do when he is so troubled by someone and not able to forget or move on? Either lash out at the one who hurt them or at the ones around them.
It's quite difficult to explain to them about forgiveness - seems incomprehensible, illogical. So how do we help them cope? Adults can handle some baggage, but I don't think a child should have any. If they cannot confront the wrong-doer, the only solution seems to be let them lash out and then address the actions or comments as they unfold.

My earlier post Emotions on the subject was about similar questions, I think the question buzzing in my head is, how to teach a child not to hate (even if he's justified).

Change - When will it happen?

I'm tired of waiting, tired of the wariness
I'm tired of hoping. I'm tired for the kids.
Just so tired.
Like a virus it hovers in the air, around us, just buzzing.
So immature, he will not change.
So many things to undo, to improve,
to remedy and heal, to repair.
I don't know the speed of progress or the destination.
Will it be better or worse?
Is this the right path? Will it help?
Am I too late? Is it the right time?
Is this 'chance' a waste of time?
When can I begin?

I'm just stressed and rambling.

Don't doubt. Be strong. Stay the course

Education System

Some of you know or may have heard about our education system. Requires lots of discipline and is stressful on both parents and child. And this is compounded by the ‘kiasu’ syndrome – everyone sends their kids for additional tuition (those who can’t afford it send them to the various community support groups) .

Locals with kids have migrated because of it, but there are foreigners sending their kids here for it. When I speak to my cousins in Australia, schooling seems like such a breeze for the kids.

There are pros and cons to the system. Leaders at the top are attempting to change it to suit a changing world and supposedly reduce the stress. But I’m not sure if it’s the changing world they should be adapting to or the changing child who is still local. Less rote more creativity, I think that’s the current aim.

Bear in mind that while local parenting styles have changed, to what degree is it widespread, to what degree has it evolved? There is an openness and exchange; kids are exposed to more worldly entertainment and information. But our society mix is pretty diverse. Yes there is a large middle class. Soon there will be a large emigrant class too. Is the child prepared for the new style in school or is it imposed on them because it is assumed they have been exposed to think differently in the home?

The current system appears to be an attempt to have their cake and eat it. The old system had its merits, apparent through some international competitions. It's still a pressure cooker.
There appears to be more information in the syllabus and along with that learning, the child must be able to think application. Previous system adhered to steps, but the current system appears to skip rudiment steps (specific rudiment teaching is missing or has that been classified as rote) and mesh them into the next step (application). Problem sums are so enhanced in the delivery that even adults need to read it more than once. Is it hurried along to meet the additional requirements of the syllabus within the school year. Add to that, let’s not forget between institutions too, there is the ranking system and within schools there is performance pressure. Who’s stressed – everybody.

I started out wanting to talk about keeping my patience while helping my son with his maths homework and in the end I deviated. The reason for holding on to my patience is because the teaching method had not segregated the basic properties(angles on parallel lines) for my son, to learn first and understand. Instead he had gone directly into problem solving and those ‘properties’ are submerged and not apparent to him. I kept asking what are the properties he learnt and he looked at me as if I spoke an alien lingo. This is only one example where basics seem to have been skipped and merged into step 2.
I‘m sure you local parents have similar horror stories about problem sums, but I shall not get into it further.

http://groups.google.com/group/mothers-always

I need a break, but from what ?

I dont't know, and yet I know (u know what I mean??)
Lately I have been preoccupied with talk of the four seasons. Started from my earlier post, 'It must be wonderful', http://mothersalways.blogspot.com/2009/08/it-must-be-wonderful.html.. must be to do with a restlessness for change of scenery...and moving my thoughts away from my never-ending to-do-list.
We have but the monsoons, - sun and rain, let's not forget the moon.

Have been looking at photos, some of the blogs with beautiful pix and paintings by artists of old.
So serene, calm, colourful or just white. Some paintings look like the artist had a special secret when he or she painted the scene.
Is there art(not the photographic type) on typhoons or hurricanes?
Devastation we know, we hear, perhaps we do not want to or need to see.

Perhaps I just need a break.
The month of August is an eventful month, that's probably it, like getting older (ughh!)


http://groups.google.com/group/mothers-always

Bully in my Backyard

Yesterday I was really worked up. My opinion about a certain person in my life just continues to get re-enforced negatively. I am amazed at how a man who thinks he loves his children and thinks is doing what's best for them, can play mind games with them in order to justify himself.
He is a bully (mildly put).

I am alone but not alone. Some of you may wonder why there is a conspicuous absence of mention of my other half. It is a painful story, a history which I have poured into an earlier blog I created first, the pain is stored there. It has helped me feel and channel my anger and act.
My healing is definitely on its’ way and this is my healing journal. My children will heal. They are resilient, they have each other, ‘always stick together’ is what I tell them. I’m re-learning to be me and my children will learn to be free. (no pity please, courage grows, God helps).

I must be on a roll.
Yesterday I read comments between a man and a woman, that got me upset. It was not about the particulars but the fact is that she is the one 'doing' the doing(not just talking) -looking after the children not him. Sounded like bullying.

Today a local news story. if you follow this link.. about a teacher who's a bully..
http://www.asiaone.com/News/Education/Story/A1Story20090812-160665.html

And no, I don't hate men (bwhaaha!! as my wonderful friend commented) - I have a great dad, brother and some wonderful brothers-in-laws and friends.

Man or woman there is no excuse in the world that justifies bullying.

"Courage is fire, and bullying is smoke" .Benjamin Disraeli British, Statesman Quotes

"True courage is cool and calm. The bravest of men have the least of a brutal, bullying insolence, and in the very time of danger are found the most serene and free. " Lord Shaftesbury 1671-1713, British Statesman

The Heart

Have you ever felt it, a squishing of the heart, for your child?

too often ..








http://groups.google.com/group/mothers-always

The Volcano

The immature man creates drama around ordinary events.
The narcissistic man holds us hostage.
When will it blow?

The fearful man cuts off ties.
Discipline is his noble motto, justified and righteous
Intimidation is the game,
for the good of the future.

To what end?
To be unstable, unforgiving, repressed, intolerant, impatient.
Terror he fills, fear he instills,
He claims for love sake.
Where’s the love, where’s the affection,
no one feels safe.
So much noise, so much hurt
Too much heartache.

No sensitivities only temper.
When will it blow?
The narcissistic man cannot hear.
The immature man cannot see.
He snickers at innocence.
Gentleness is alien to him.

This is the brim.

(HA – Sep 2008)

Out of darkness, we will climb one step and a time…. .

http://groups.google.com/group/mothers-always

Inner Struggles

I walked once with shoulders down
My head up in the haze.
My thoughts not on home
but on work, in hollow cheer.
Burdened yet unfazed
I hid there,
it was easier.

I looked at my children.
I saw.
The pain,
it started to seep in.
They too hid
in school and at home.
I prayed for the cure,
that pain would go away.
How much more to endure?

The stress,
instead it grew, more not less,
desperation and despair.
When would change come?
Pain then anger.
Anger to energy, it moved me.
Why did I linger?

The silence from within,
overflowed.
My head felt, my heart heard,
all that was hidden.
Why did we abide?
Hope, compassion…
don’t be foolish, think of them,
put it aside.

I will be brave,
I will not fear,
Grant me strength
to persevere.

(HA –June 2009)




http://groups.google.com/group/mothers-always