Jun 30, 2012

Talking to the dog ?

For the past few days, I've been talking to the dog, mostly I ask her one question, why life is so complicated?
Of course she's been patient and listens.

Feeling melancholy over what the kids have gone through and still to go through.

I want them to be happy and worry free but that seems impossible.

Jun 28, 2012

Note to self ...

Deal with 1 problem or conflict at a time

Do not let the words of your ex repeated by the kids to you, rile you. Think don't react.

Do not share complaints about your ex in the children's hearing.

Always send out a quick prayer for patience.




Remind yourself that your ex is a psychotic moron.

Jun 27, 2012

Looking for my calm

The waiting is taking it's toll. I'm thinking.... look at rental while I'm waiting for the apartment so I don't have to put up with my ex's  foolhardy attempts to rile me with his stupid accusations and threats.
The house is not yet falling apart but the appliances and furniture which are old seem to be saying sayonara one by one.
It's like they know the end is near.

While the ex is still freeloading he has the audacity to blame me for breaking his things and letting things go to ruin and threatening to bring liable and legal charges.  I am advised to stay calm, and let him blow his hot air, his aim is ti wear me down.

Among other things, he's going to use the dog as his support for my not running a proper household.

It does seem like he's panicking, his reign of terror will soon be over and that's why he's craving attention.... so goes one theory.

I remind myself about prayer and trust and patience. I believe there's always been a (divine) plan....it seems I forget when it builds.

I wish he would just leave.



Jun 7, 2012

The next phase...


Outwardly I am moving forward, I have found an apartment and am now figuring out ways to renovate and refurbish to make it a comfortable home. It will be about 4 months more before I can move in.

In the meantime...
 
The next phase I thinks is called 'coming to terms'. While the paper work says final and all that, deep within the heart of me I suppose there is still grief for the loss. And yet while I tell myself I held on despite of.........I still do feel guilt.

I have been telling myself for the past few month that it is time to go talk to a priest, but is it confession or is it just an outpouring to lighten my burden or to hear him say 'it couldn't be helped or I did what I could do or it was not within my control etc etc..
More afraid is that he would say what I gather from my mother, it is the bed I made, and therefore I should accept it..

I think I would not know where to begin.

At Sunday mass,... do they do it on purpose ?  It is because of what is said during sermons and seminar-invites about keeping the family together that makes this trip quite difficult to let go. I suppose it would work for some who have recourse or where there is some hope.  Would we not avoid it if we could ?  Does anyone go through divorce for a lark ?

It always comes back to this,
if I were to think like a counselor, ' I could not change him so I changed me'
But that didn't help the kids when his behaviour affected them, then how could I not be me for them.

What a tangled web we weave...........

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